I was always waiting to be loved by family, friends and the men in my life, willing to accept whatever they were offering. Even if at times it did not fulfill my needs and desires, I was happy for what little I was given, because asking for anything more was being greedy. If ever there was a thought about wanting more, as I wasn't getting what I wanted, it just made me feel ungrateful, at least they were giving me this, or giving me that, I just need to be grateful what I have!!
Some gave me family, a name, a place to live in, friendship and money, but never that unconditional acceptance of who I was, that beautiful love and belonging that I so longed for. But then how could they, and why would they?? I never asked for what I wanted in any relationship that I was in, and when I did, and was denied, I accepted what was being offered instead. When you are willing to accept less, there is no need for someone else to give you more. You are hence teaching others how important or unimportant you are !!
It was only after I started loving myself with the devotion and unconditional acceptance, that I desired from others, did I realize that anything less than this was not acceptable anymore. My standards for myself and my boundaries were now getting higher and firmer, and nothing less would do. This did not mean that all who were around me would meet these standards and adhere to these boundaries, and hence through this journey a lot of relationships and situations came to a painful end. But end they did and the pain is not there no more :)
This also made me realize another truth about others loving you, that they cannot give you something they have never experienced either. The inability to give compassion and love to others stems from the inability to give that to themselves. We all struggle with the lack of Self-Love and Self-Worth !! So much so that when someone gives us something so pure as they have experienced it in themselves, they cannot believe they are worthy of it, and hence believe it to be a trick, or untrue and so push people away, with fear of being hurt. This understanding helped me feel more compassion towards them and forgive their inability to love me as I deserved to be loved, as they had never been loved in this way either. Not by themselves or others, no one had shown them how worthy of love they were, hence they loved from the only version of love they knew.
When you are broken in so many different ways, by so many different people, it becomes your responsibility to take back those pieces of yourself and start putting them together again. They will never go back in the same way, and there may be scars there before there were scabs, but these will be the signs of healing, with a new awareness of where you were broken and where you now are healed. But heal you did !!! When I brought those pieces back and put them together, I was getting whole again, and coming to a place of belonging. Belonging to myself, and no other! My happiness was my responsibility, which meant if I didn't feel aligned with any particular relationship in my life, it was my responsibility to draw a line and say no this won't do. Sometimes you have be broken to become whole again, but when you are it is pure love and joy within yourself !!!
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